by Nickey Hernandez

[Farming]
The Wrath of Cow
It should have been a milkbath, but instead, one gutsy pet cow held her own and lived to boast about chasing off a big, bad, wild black bear. The interspecies cockfight went down in Hygiene when Jack McDonald saw his pet cow, Apple, going “face-to-face” and “nose-to-nose” with a bear. The two adversaries made nice for a few seconds before Apple tapped into her bovine brain and turned tough. Before you could say “milking time,” Apple went from friendly pet to Mike Tyson on hooves. “Apple is protective of her apple tree,” McDonald said. “I don’t think she wanted that bear eating any more of her apples.” No word on whether the bear was ridiculed by his peers.

[Impersonation]
Hard Up For Porn
A Longmont sword and blade maker reportedly fashioned a fake badge and played the role of a cop to obtain X-rated DVDs from an adult novelty store. Instead of getting off (no pun intended, scout’s honor), the suspect, Drew Libby, received a trip to the pokey. Longmont cops arrested Libby outside his home on charges of impersonating an officer, possession of an illegal weapon and possession of pot. A search of Libby’s pad turned up a steel badge emblazoned with the words “private security.” “Turns out badges like it can be bought on the Internet. Authorities contend Libby flashed the fake badge and claimed to be a Longmont police officer when he entered an adult store in search of porn. The fake cop told a clerk that he needed an X-rated DVD to verify the age of the porn stars in the production. Surveillance videos from the store were distributed. Tips quickly led to Libby’s arrest.

[Oprah]
Impressive High Road
We may never hear the end of the JonBenet Ramsey saga—you know, the story of the six-year-old beauty queen’s murder a decade ago that has thrown us through more twists than a world-class roller coaster. At least papa Ramsey has forgiven us (us, meaning the rabid media) for assuming that he (or wife Patsy) were the ones who did it. John Ramsey appeared on Oprah last month—his first national TV appearance since prosecutors exonerated his family over the summer—telling the world that it’s water under the bridge. That’s certainly taking the high road, since a majority of us convicted him in the prestigious court of public opinion years ago. “You can’t hold anger,” he said on the show. Ramsey did have some harsh words for the tabloids, however. “It was a rush to judgment, almost a cyberspace lynching,” Ramsey said, taking particular offense to the media labeling his daughter a beauty queen because she won a child beauty pageant. We still think it’s pretty creepy to flaunt a six-year-old on stage. Hasn’t Little Miss Sunshine taught us anything?.

[Education]
Boulder Teens Are Easy
No word yet if Bristol Palin, the unwed and knocked up teen daughter to GOP veep candidate Sarah plans a move to Boulder. But if the 17-year-old soon-to-be mom does, she’ll be in good company. Seems a growing number of Boulder Valley School District kids say they know a thing or two about sex, drugs and booze. A recent survey indicated that 16.7 percent of Boulder Valley freshman have binged on booze. About 18 percent had engaged in sex, an increase of 50 percent since 2005. “Whether we’re talking about sexual intercourse or substance use, one thing is clear, the earlier youths engage in the behavior, the better the chance they have of experiencing long-term negative impacts in their lives,” one school official said in an area news source. Of course that rule does not apply to the offspring of gun-toting, moose-killing hockey moms.

October 2008

For the last few years, University of Colorado officials have been extremely happy with the Princeton Review, because the annual list didn’t include the Buffs among the top party schools in the nation. After years of being associated with beer kegs and bongs, there were no complaints from administrators when CU dropped off the Review’s party radar a few years back. (more…)

August 2008

It’s a safe bet that when the school bells ring this month, every student in Tony Tolbert’s class will show up on time, sit down and behave. What else is there to do, when your high school science teacher is a hulk like superman, who can handle the freakish beasts of American Gladiators and still have time to dissect a frog? Who cares that Tolbert was a cheerleader in his younger days? Now the dude is cut and able to smash heads alongside of Hulk Hogan. Tolbert more than held his own during a June airing of the reality game show. He came from behind to beat out a so-called “football player” in the competition. “Outstanding!” Tolbert exclaimed to Hulk Hogan after the teacher vanquished his rival. The 37-year-old father of three crushed more than 1,000 Boulder-area challengers who sought a shot at making the show in February. Tolbert wowed the show’s producers with his physical skills, and then told them he was special, because “I’m Tony Tolbert.” Tolbert won his opening round but was eliminated shortly after. We are guessing his students will still be in awe.

August 2008

by Nickey Hernandez, illustration by Stephanie Mott

Global warming deniers beware, because young Alex Budd is ready to debate you anytime. What’s more, the 15-year-old Fairview High School student has been blessed by Al Gore himself and taught in the ways of conservation, recycling and Greenism. Budd is believed to be the youngest person to undergo Gore’s training and emerge as an environmental crusader. Budd is one of about 1,000 folks trained in Nashville, Tenn., to spread the word about global warming. Armed only with a slide show and grit, Budd helped push the message behind Gore’s Academy Award-winning film, An Inconvenient Truth, to Boulder area schools. Budd says he was the youngest member of his training class, a session attended by Earth lover and All-American babe, Cameron Diaz. Budd has given more than 25 presentations since his return from Tennessee. He’s stood up to hecklers and turned doubters into believers.

July 2008

Global warming deniers beware, because young Alex Budd is ready to debate you anytime. What’s more, the 15-year-old Fairview High School student has been blessed by Al Gore himself and taught in the ways of conservation, recycling and Greenism. Budd is believed to be the youngest person to undergo Gore’s training and emerge as an environmental crusader. Budd is one of about 1,000 folks trained in Nashville, Tenn., to spread the word about global warming. (more…)

July 2008