So, as we wrap up 2011 and look forward to the last year of our existence, I figured listing a slew of resolutions would be even more pointless than usual. Instead, I only have one: to survive.

That’s it. And I’m going to do it. This is one resolution I won’t toy with for a few weeks and then leave languishing on the floor of a 7-11 as I walk out with a bag of Funyuns and a Dr. Pepper under my arm. Nope. This time, it’s for keeps.

So, you can either bow to the whims of the fatalist Mayans and wait for the end, or you can stand up and refuse to go gently into the night. I’m going rage against the dying of the light like a room full of honey badgers on an epinephrine bender. And here’s what I’m going to need to do it:

Guns

First thing’s first, in post-apocalyptic Earth: Protect yourself from the hordes of the dying. For that, I’m heading to Grandpa’s Pawn and Gun, 312 Main St., in Longmont, where they have an enormous arsenal of new and used weaponry and ammo. grandpaspawn.com

Survival Gear

Obviously infrastructure’s going to crumble and that means basic necessities such as power, running water, etc. will cease. So, we’re gonna need to load up on everything from tents and tarps to matches and rope. So I’m heading to Jax Outdoor Gear, a locally owned company (just because the world’s ending doesn’t mean I can’t shop local) that has pretty much everything I’m gonna need, 900 Hwy. 287, Lafayette, jaxmercantile.com

Transportation

If zombie movies have taught us anything, it’s that the end of the world will result in a mass gridlock of dead cars on the highways. Which means, if we want to get around, we’ll need off-roading vehicles, and for that, Rocky Mountain Kawasaki, 645 Frontage Rd., Longmont, fits the bill just fine. I mean, a side-by-side will make getting around in post-apocalyptic Earth possible and fun! rockymountainkawasaki.com/

Electronics

Sure, electricity won’t be an option for very long, but there is no shortage of battery- and solar-powered options available for pretty much anything I’m going to need. Remember how awesome Radio Shack used to be? You could pretty much buy and assemble a robot henchman purely from stuff you bought there. Now, however, Radio Shack is where you go to buy remote control cars and sign up for cellular phone service. No worries, though, because there’s SparkFun Electronics. It’s like the way Radio Shack used to be, but times a thousand. Screw the generator. I’m gonna build a particle accelerator with their stuff! 6175 Longbow Dr., Ste. 200 Boulder, sparkfun.com

Alright Mayans. I’m prepared now. Give me your best shot.

Avery is to the holidays what cookies and milk are to Santa

Winter is when brewers let fly with their creative concoctions and resurrect the potent ghosts of years’ past. Take Avery’s Rumpkin Ale aged in rum barrels. Even at $12 for a 12-ounce bottle, this sledgehammer (15.9 percent alcohol by volume) pie in a bottle flew off the shelves at local liquor stores when it was released this fall. But you can get one last glass until it’s gone starting at 5 pm Dec. 21–23 at the Avery Tap Room. The in-laws will be a lot more tolerable with a Rumpkin glow.

Avery is atoning for closing Dec. 9 for its staff holiday party by letting its Meph Addict flow New Year’s Eve. This coffee-infused 15 percent ABV Mephistopheles Imperial Stout pours like a moonless night and sports an espresso-brown head and a dark-roasted aroma that will restore the circulation to any extremity.

It’s beer, it’s wine, it’s Super Kind!

Get your glow on with Mountain Sun’s Super Kind barleywine. Brewed to 10 percent ABV, this malty wonder is dry hopped with Cascade pellets, giving it a piny aroma, not unlike the fresh cut trees for sale down at the church lot. And while it may be gone by the time this hits the streets, check and see if the rare keg of Samichlaus is still going. If it is, don’t delay and get thee to the Vine Street Pub for a glass of this 14 percent ABV dopplebock. One of the strongest lagers made, the honey and pear flavors barely stand up to the heat of the alcohol packed into this Austrian import. Mountain/Southern Sun and Vine Street Pub make prodigious use of Facebook, so friend them and watch for daily updates about what’s on tap.

Celebrate the light at Lefthand

If the Barrel-aged Widdershins Barleywine is blown when you read this, check back at the Lefthand tasting room; they are said to have more and will make it available later in December. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t head there now. ‘Tis the season for the barrel-aged Wake up Dead Russian Imperial Stout. This deadly brew (10.2 percent ABV) is outstanding on its own, but after lying  in an oak barrel for more than a year, it gets downright ethereal. And stay tuned for the 2012 Ambidextrous release in January. This is a mix of Widdershins and Imperial Milk Stout that only the mad brewing scientists at Lefthand can concoct. Though the sound of it is quite atrocious, you know it’ll be delicious.

Find your way to Twisted Pine

Another winning winter release is Twisted Pine’s award-winning Northstar Imperial Porter, on tap now when we need it most. Brewed to 9 percent ABV, this robust porter packs in the roasty chocolate flavors. Grab a growler to share with Santa and he’ll be sure to hook you up with that pair of Liberty Helix skis you wanted so bad.

French Davis: It is very interesting that you seem to have a huge built-in fan base here. Why do you think your sound resonates so much in Boulder?
G. Love: I think Colorado as a whole has been historically a live-music haven. There’s a lot of young, freewheeling and open-minded people in Colorado, and since we first dropped in ’94 we have been embraced.  Boulder in particular was the epicenter for our vibration out there and we played the s**t out of the Fox Theater over the years. I’m thoroughly looking forward to coming back for New Years, bringing the blues and feeling that love in Colorado.

FD: Can you tell us about This Warm December… how the project came together? What made you interested in recording a “holiday album?”
GL: This is the second Brushfire Records holiday record. I think now that Jack and I both have families, the appeal to do a holiday record was automatically there. I’ve always thought that caroling is the best part of Christmas. When my family gets together for the holiday, we jam out after Christmas dinner and everyone gets involved.

FD: Last year was the biggest year of vinyl sales since the ’80s, and you chose to offer a vinyl version of this album. What draws you to the outdated technology?
GL: I’ve always been a record collector, a vinyl collector. I’ve pushed hard to have all my records released on vinyl. Shoot, we’ve been around so long our first two records came out on cassette and eight track! (Google it or ask your parents. –FD) Aside from that, I just feel like everything sounds better coming off vinyl and the artwork certainly looks better the bigger it is.

FD: What do you miss most about the way things used to be when you first started out? What do you not miss at all?
GL: I miss the innocence and blindness of how it was when we first started. I mean I was 20 years old, my head was completely up my ass, I thought I knew everything. I was riding around in a crappy van for seven years playing over 250 shows a year. It was deep. It’s still deep now and I still think I know everything, my head’s still up my ass and now I ride around in a tour bus so it’s a bit of an improvement.  A lot has changed and a lot is the same, but I love it all. Do what you love.

Not yet the tradition A Christmas Story has become, SantaLand Diaries is no slouch. The uproarious Tony-winner from David Sedaris is a regional favorite every year. It centers on Sedaris’ experiences working as an elf in Macy’s SantaLand. In fact, the piece, originally an essay read on NPR in the ’90s, catapulted Sedaris into the national consciousness. This year’s Boulder Ensemble Theatre Company production takes residence at The Dairy Center for the Arts, 2590 Walnut St., Boulder, Thursday–Saturday nights through Dec. 24. Tickets start at $15. Call 303.440.7826 for more information.

Party on Down

New Year’s Eve is typically a let down after a year of prepping and pondering how to close this particular chapter of your life. Because this is possibly the last year of our lives (unless the Mayans just ran out of numbers), expectations are higher. Enter Hotel Boulderado and its Masquerade Ball with two bands, a restaurant and two bars. You could do a lot worse than spending your last New Year’s Eve ever wearing a mask and partying here. Dec. 31. Tickets start at $50, Hotel Boulderado, 2115 13th St. Boulder, 303.442.4334.

Does a Body Good

There are few foods better than piping-hot oatmeal with maple and brown sugar on an icy-cold winter morning. It’s no wonder the Lafayette Quaker Oatmeal Festival is now celebrating its 14th year of combining this tasty breakfast food with its healthy living fair and a 5K fun-run. (Heads up, though, they’ll have no XL T-shirts this year. Yes, we were crushed, too). 7:30 am, 200 E. Baseline Rd., check out lafayettecolorado.com/oatmealfestival.html for more information.

Oh So Lemony

Ever go to a concert featuring your favorite band from college that never tours only to have them refuse to play any beloved hits and instead focus on material from a soon-to-be-released car commercial album? Well, that’s not this. The Lemonheads is on tour once again, and this time, Evan Dando is focusing on music from It’s a Shame About Ray, the 1992 hit Rhino Records reissued in ’08. If you’re a fan, this concert’s for you. At the Fox Theatre, Feb. 3, 8 pm, $15+. 1135 13th St., Boulder, 303.443.3399

Sure it’s New Year’s Eve. But check out all these other awesome things that happened on Dec. 31…

1) 1781: The first U.S. Bank opens, called the Bank of North America

2) 1879: Thomas Edison unveils his light bulb

3) 1923: The first time a voice is broadcast over the radio across the Atlantic

4) 1945: United Nations charter is ratified

5) 1961: The Beach Boys play their first concert

But the measure failed, thanks in part to the cowardly silence of Gov. John Hickenlooper and a large percentage of lawmakers, both local and state. The fate of the measure was guaranteed by the deafening silence of our Progressive In Name Only governor and his fellow lawmakers.

So now what?

Hickenlooper has threatened to have “a serious conversation with voters” about the need to fund education in the future. Right. That’s kind of like having a conversation with your kids about contraception in the delivery room.

Given the paltry resources We The People of Colorado are willing to put into our schools (2009 Census figures show we rank 40th in per pupil spending and that doesn’t take into account the past two years of Draconian cuts, which certainly drops us closer to the bottom), our workforce will soon be struggling to qualify for fast-food jobs, let alone the high-tech positions our governor hopes to lure to our state.

A beautiful mountain backdrop, great weather and major league sports go only so far in seducing companies to relocate here. Smart people who can handle the work—not to mention good schools that are up to the standards of the techies who move here—are the key to luring a high-profile, high-revenue company to Colorado.

So if we aren’t willing to spend the money to bring our schools up to even mediocre standards, I have a solution. Funnel all of our transportation money into the education budget. Decrepit roads should be considered a challenge, not a liability, for the ubiquitous sport utility vehicles that are the state car. And when bridges collapse, it’s just that much more of an off-road challenge.

And should some unlucky schmo get beaned with a loose chunk of concrete, they’ll win the failing transportation infrastructure lottery, with the survivors getting a tidy settlement from the state.

I’m only half kidding here. When a state spends (as of 2008, according to the U.S. Department of Justice) more than $20,000 per inmate and less than half that per student, we are seriously hosed. And don’t look for the prison expense to get cut. The prison guards’ lobby has ensured that any reduction in mandatory sentencing and the reduction in costs is off the table.

The only hope we had for sanity in our state spending was Rollie Heath’s Proposition 103. God bless him and the 10s of thousands of petition signers who put the measure before the voters. And shame on Hickenlooper for staying mum on the issue. He, along with many other Democrats, have failed to lead or even speak out for something that we all would benefit from: greater spending on education.

So, let the hand-wringing begin as the legislature gears up to hack even more from the state’s education budget.

It will be interesting to see what happens when the Regional Transportation District’s tax question shows up on the ballot in 2012. Will the usual suspects again be mute and get schooled at the polls or will they show they learned their lesson, demonstrate some leadership and support the measure?

If they continue to fail, we will all pay the price.

I want to basically store as little as possible on my iPhone. It should merely be a conduit to what I need: Internet, chatting, playing Words with Friends, etc. One of the things I like least about my iPhone is having to carry around several gigs of music that I want to swap out every month. I’d like to sync on any machine, not have to decide which device I want to use to listen to music.

Which is why I use Pandora.com so much, but the free version’s catalog is limited and the occasional commercials are blaring. But then the clouds parted and Spotify.com appeared. The streaming-music service has been a Godsend for people like me. Before I committed to the paid version, I figured I’d compare it to similar services. What follows is my analysis, so you can make an informed decision about which you’d prefer.

Spotify.com
Cost for premium: $9.99/mo
Speed: Fast. Pretty much no discernible difference between 3G and Wi-Fi.
Catalog: Giant and growing quickly. More than 16 million tracks; 10,000 added daily.
Supports syncing your own music: Yes
Ease of use: Set up is a little dodgy as the desktop app needs you to first set up an account online then go back and set up the desktop app then set up mobile apps, etc.

Google Music
Cost for premium: Google music is free while it’s still in beta for Google.
Speed: Very fast. Some chugging on the Amazon side on occasion .
Catalog: Limited to what you own, up to 25,000 tracks.
Supports syncing your music: Yes, and that’s it.
Ease of use: As with everything Google, it’s a snap. But this is more cloud-based storage solution with a streaming component than music service. And it’s not iOS compatible.

Amazon Cloud Player
Cost for premium: $20/year
Speed: Noticed some hiccups when I still had three bars.
Catalog: Limited to what you own, up to 20 gigs. However, any tracks purchased from Amazon don’t count against storage limit.
Supports syncing your own music: Yes. You can add tracks you’ve purchased from Amazon.com as well.
Ease of use: It’s compatible through the iPhone’s web-browser interface, so not completely native as in Spotify’s case. Still, pretty easy to navigate the system.

Rhapsody
Cost for premium: $10/year
Speed: Fast. Even down to one bar.
Catalog: 13 million and growing.
Supports syncing your music: Nope
Ease of use: Easy to set up and has iOS support, but it’s a pure streaming solution, meaning you can’t upload your own music

Winner: Hands down, Spotify takes it. It supports your own music collection, streams to unlimited devices, and works fast and seamlessly. Plus, it has the biggest music catalog in the bunch. For the cost of an iTunes album a month? It’s a sweep.

But if your loved one enjoys a good beer or hand-crafted spirit now and again, there are plenty of easy options throughout Colorado. Wrap, drink and be merry. Oh, and save some for us.

Beer

If he or she likes a specific style of beer—stout or India Pale Ale or pilsner—grab the winners list from this year’s Great America Beer Festival and put together the medalists from a specific category. Granted, some of the winners are from brewpubs that won’t be available in bottles, so another option is to put together a sample of local award-winning beers. The ones in bottles or cans (like Oskar Blues’ silver-medal winner, Mama’s Little Yella Pils, or Odell’s gold medal Friek) are easy. But the tap-only winners, like the bronze medal Graham Cracker Porter from Denver Beer Co. will require a growler. That you took the time to hunt down some winners will warm your honey’s heart.

And speaking of the Great American Beer Festival, there’s nothing like scoring a ticket to the hottest beer event of the year. And given how fast it sold out this year, you’ll want to save the dates (nailed down for Oct. 11–13, 2012) and jump on tickets when they go on sale next summer. Sign up for GABF email news at the below web address so you don’t get left out of next year’s GABF festivities or tickets.

If rare, limited-release and high-quality beer is on your wish list, but you don’t have a specific brewery or style, avail yourself of the beer gurus at various local liquor stores. PJ’s Liquors at Sunset Street, north of the Diagonal Highway in Longmont, has an amazing selection of top shelf beers, as does Total Beverage at 770 E. 104th Ave. in Thornton. And of course there’s Liquor Mart at 15th and Canyon in Boulder. These stores have wise guys who know their suds and will help you assemble a high-octane collage of beer.

Spirits

Ahhh, the holiday spirit! Santa likes nothing better than a stiff White Russian (made with 303 Vodka and Roundhouse Corretto Coffee Liqueur and some raw milk—or cream!—from Rocky Plains dairy in Dacono). The spirits are top shelf and the raw dairy (milk or cream) is exquisite tasting and massively healthy for you. If you’ve never tried it, raw milk is a treat.

If you want something a little more refined that makes for a great after-dinner sipping toddy or a tasty flask filler for the slopes, try out the Peach Street Distillers selection of peach, pear and plum brandies made from fresh Palisade fruit. If you miss that juicy, bursting-with-flavor fruit from the Western Slope, these brandies are exquisite and do a stellar job of capturing the taste and aroma in a bottle. Find them at larger liquor stores.

French Davis: The beauty of the story behind “Elijah’s Song” is rivaled only by the song itself. What has that experience meant to you? How it has informed your music since?

Matisyahu: That was an incredibly wonderful experience. It was almost like it was bigger than me, you know? I mean I get to do what I do and I love it, but then it comes full circle. I get to reach out and impact someone else’s life and they do the same. It is like you are doing something important and you reach out through the music. I try to tell a story and I hope that people get something out of it. And everyone gets something different out of it. Music means something different to everyone and you just hope you are giving them something.

FD: It’s interesting that the boy’s name was that of one of the most famed prophets. Did that carry any additional weight or inspiration for you?

M: It honestly didn’t matter what the name was, it was more about him. The boy was so inspirational. Of course his name is too, but it was about him.

FD: That your religious beliefs and faith have informed your music is obvious; but how has your musical career impacted your spiritual life, (both positive and negative influences)?
M: That is one of the wonderful things about music. I believe that music is spiritual. Listening to music, creating music, is a spiritual undertaking. The process of creating is spiritual and you connect with different things…and it is for an audience too, as they connect with the music or connect with God. It lets everyone connect on a different level and you create something with a certain energy.

FD: How else has your life changed since you found stardom?

M: When I first started about six years ago, I was going through a big transition point. I was in the Lubavitch community, but I was ready to branch out. I started working with music and I got married and had children, and that’s when I started touring. I remember at the time everything started changing and my career started taking off. I got an agent and I got a manager, and I started traveling and doing shows pretty much non-stop at that point. It was like that for several years, and I would go where the music would take me. I would come home and spend time with my wife, and then go back out.

FD: That must have been difficult with a new family.

M: Yes, at first it was. But then as I started earning more money, I would also be able to take my wife and my kids. Of course it all depends on the type of show I was doing, but I would take them when I could.

FD: If you could plan a dream project with any collaborators alive, what would that project be and who would you work with?

M: Rihanna would be one or Beyonce. But If it was anyone alive or dead I’d have to say Bob Marley.

Deb Flomberg contributed to this story

Light Bright

There are a lot of parades of lights this time of year, but few offer the chance for everyone and their mother to participate. Louisville’s parade does just that, and the only rules are that your “float” entry must have lights and not include a Santa (he’s apparently very brand-aware, and doesn’t like people messing with his carefully cultivated image). So, here’s your chance to wrap your ’89 Pontiac Sunbird in LEDs and convince yourself it’s a “classic.” The festivities get going at 6 pm Dec. 3 at the Louisville Chamber of Commerce, 901 Main St., Louisville, 303.666.5747

Swing, Swing

Last year’s 1940s WWII Christmas Ball was one of the biggest parties of the year in Boulder County. Apparently, Americans’ nostalgia for the Greatest Generation and the ’40s knows no bounds (and we’ll go ahead and steer clear of discussion of the invention of the nuclear bomb, America’s racial polarization and the rise of the Red Scare). The outfits were keen and the music was swingin’, and that’s what this shindig’s all about. At the Elks Lodge, Dec. 10, 3975 28th St., Boulder, 303.946.9227

From the Streets

If Shepard Fairey’s fame says anything (he’s the artist behind the iconic Obama “Hope” posters), it’s that the graffiti subculture is a legitimate art movement (no, we’re not talking about crappy gang tags) that warrants discussion. The Longmont Museum and Cultural Center
is hosting an exhibit called Street Cred: Graffiti Art from Concrete to Canvas that explores the amazing art of southern California’s finest street artists. Check it out; you’ll be amazed at what you see. 400 Quail Rd., Longmont, 303.651.8374

Meet Black Joe

If the late James Brown had a more nicotine-encrusted voice and his band had a scathing Fender Telecaster cranking front and center at full volume (with photos of big booty women taped on it), you’d have a decent approximation of Austin-based Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears. The funky rhythms, Lycra-tight horns and raspy vocals of Lewis add up to an overwhelming groove and melt-your-face energy that will put your feet into overdrive. Nov. 22, Fox Theater, Boulder, all ages, $15.

French’s Five

Tired of giving out mugs and candles for the holidays? It’s time to spice things up. Here, this year’s mostly awesome gift list:

1) To infinity and beyond It’s a hard drive! No, it’s a time machine! No, it’s a hard drive… $250 bit.ly/timemachinedrive

2) Carbon freeze Han Solo is frozen in carbonite ice! $9.99 bit.ly/hansoloicecubetray

3) Just like me I’m a bobblehead. Covet me. $139 bit.ly/bobbleheadme

4) Ready for take off An RC helicopter with a video camera you control with your iPhone. $289.99 bitly.com/iphonechopper

5) Tea time The best driver ever made. $89.99 bit.ly/golfclubdrinks

Typically, our federal government lags at least two or three laps behind the technology sector. And that’s probably a kind estimate. For proof, witness pretty much any discussion about ’net neutrality over the last decade or so. Most of the discussions and debates on that ensued on Capitol Hill were akin to me trying to teach my high school sweetheart about football.

“Why do they wear those costumes?”

“Those are uniforms.”

“What’s a line of cribbage? They play cards, too?

“It’s scrimmage.”

And so on. And if you really wanna frustrate yourself, dive a little deeper into the transcripts of hearings around digital copyrights. The people we elect into office are as technically astute as the majority of people voting for them…which is to say, a whole lot of people who have a blinking 12:00 on their microwaves.

And that’s just at the federal level. It gets worse as it trickles down to state level, where it seems every other month some state senator or governor seems genuinely shocked his emails and tweets weren’t private, which is what he thought when he was transmitting pictures of his privates. Privately. But not really.

When you get down to the local level, well, I get the sense most local municipalities regard computers and the Internet as black magic. Witness trying to pay a parking ticket online. Or renew anything with the Department of Motor Vehicles (true story: I renewed my license online here in Colorado. Paid the fee and everything, and I thought, wow, this is great! Three months later, still no license. So I call up the DMV and find out I was going to have to come in and pay the fee again because I waited 2 days past an arbitrary 90-day deadline to report that I never received my license. None of which was spelled out on the site when I renewed. Luddites).

So imagine my surprise when I stumbled onto the city of Longmont’s new mobile-friendly site. Granted, I shouldn’t have been that surprised; Longmont is light years ahead of pretty much any other similar-sized municipality on the planet (witness its amazingly cogent bid last year for Google’s fiber access experiment). But surprised I was, nonetheless.

Starting on the homepage, the nav is über simple (if a little drab in color), with what looks to be emergency and closure notices high and center. From there, it’s a quick dive into well-organized layout of civil services, directories, news and one of the more useful sitemaps I’ve ever stumbled across. Individual city departments are labeled alphabetically and news headlines are dated. You can also submit a form to report street damage or graffiti (although, I wasn’t able to upload a photo using my iPhone, and I’d suggest the next iteration uses a pull notification to grab the user’s location so you don’t have to type it in).

Job well done, Longmont. Now, could you subcontract your Information Architecture team out to the Department of Motor Vehicles? They could use some help.