New Years Resolutions – Politician’s Edition

It’s that time of the year again — when sand-dusted streets glisten with frost and skeleton trees twinkle with lights. And that means it’s also time for us to sit and take stock of the year behind us, the things we’ve achieved and the lessons we’ve learned. And then we’ll look forward to the year approaching, square up our shoulders, and make a list of resolutions so we can be assured of constantly disappointing ourselves for the next 12 months.

But it’s not just us, the unwashed masses who struggle to live up to expectations we set for ourselves. Even our leaders — present and would-be —  struggle with the crushing sense of defeat when they misfire on living up to the goals they set for themselves.

So in the interest of public service, here’s a list of resolutions I’ve carved out for our fearless leaders for 2016. This way, when they fail at these, it’ll be something they’re used to — failing a constituent — rather than failing themselves.

Barack Obama

My favorite part of his presidency has been its third act. This is the guy we elected in 2008, and it’s been fun to watch him ignite the fury of red ’Murica. So his resolutions are simple: Maintain the pace of arguably the best lame duck session of any sitting President in the last 100 years. Legalize pot nationally, pardon all non-violent drug offenders, and finally figure out how to enact some sort of reasonable gun control legislation.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary’s not a runaway nomination by any stretch of the imagination, and given the prevailing winds of fear and xenophobia blasting across the middle of the nation, she certainly isn’t a shoo-in for the White House either. So, for her resolutions, she needs to: Convince liberals she’s actually a real liberal; convince moderates she’s actually a moderate; and convince Bernie Sanders to be her running mate.

Donald Trump

I’m still not completely convinced Trump isn’t actually the greatest troll of all time. It’s almost as if his entire candidacy is performance art — that he’s acting a role in the fashion of Stephen Colbert’s Colbert Report caricature, and any moment now, he’s going to break the fourth wall and shame the nation for his completely insane and unbelievable popularity in the polls. But just in case actually is the complete nutbag he’s portraying, here’s a couple resolutions for him: Engage in one reasonable discourse with another human being who he disagrees with on some matter of actual substance without resorting to name-calling or grade-school insults. If an insult must be delivered, it must either be done in iambic pentameter or reference a classic work of literature written prior to 1960. Defeat Chris Christie in hand-to-hand combat.

Ben Carson

Ben Carson just might be the most unintentionally hilarious candidate I’ve seen run in my lifetime, next to Ross Perot. But where Ross Perot had that charming loose-cannon appeal, Carson’s got that look of a human catastrophe just waiting to happen. Like, he’s the kind of guy who just walks into a room and pushes the giant red “DO NOT EVER PUSH THIS BUTTON” button, ya know, just to see what happens. Seriously, if you’re in this guy’s camp, you either love watching a good calamity or you’re not paying attention (because no conscious adult can really be stupid enough to think he’d be a good President, right? RIGHT?!). So only one resolution for Ben: Hire a chemist to invent that “Limitless” drug and get a prescription for it. Stat.

Bernie Sanders Resolutions:

Win the goddamned election.