Dear Pete,

Dear Pete,

I watched your confirmation hearing before the Senate Armed Forces Committee with great interest, Don’t feel either singled out or special. I watch everything on Earth with great interest.

It was somewhat disappointing to hear your regular references to me. First, I have no place in the secular proceedings of Congress, as my inclusion contradicts the 1st Amendment of your Constitution. The fact that such contradictions are increasingly commonplace makes them more, not less, problematic.

Two aspects of your testimony were particularly troubling.

As you know, perhaps, the Bible refers to me as the Prince of Peace. I’m actually not a biblical literalist, as it gets many things wrong, but that part is essentially accurate. It is, therefore, deeply troubling that you uttered the words “warrior” and “lethal” throughout your answers. While justifications for war are seldom convincing, your posture and rhetoric were those of a man spoiling for a fight; your right, I suppose, but not a personal or professional quality with which I wish to be associated.

If you know your Bible, this may be familiar:

“For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us;
   And the government will rest on His shoulders;
   And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
   Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.”

I am that son.

While, God forbid, the government does not rest on My shoulders, it may partially rest on yours. I fear your inclinations seem more belligerent than peaceful.

The other thing that troubled me deeply was your apparent belief that I have offered or could offer you redemption.

“I have failed in things in my life, and thankfully I’m redeemed by my lord and savior Jesus.”

I might offer the retort,”Who says so?” Your public assertion, reverting to my original faith, takes a lot of chutzpah.

But let us stipulate that I can offer redemption. Given that redemption, whether through good works, 12-step programs or profound honesty and remorse, is possible, you have not earned such grace. (By the way, the claim that I could turn water to wine was metaphorical, not a suggestion to drink wine like water.)

In response to questions about your serial infidelities, sexual assault and many episodes of public and private drunkenness, you could only say, “Anonymous smear.” While that might have served as cover for your MAGA enablers, the so-called “smears” are not anonymous. Inconveniently for you, at least as redemption goes, I remind you that I’ve seen it all – and I don’t mean that in the, “Well, now I’ve seen it all!” sense. I’ve actually seen it all.

The victims of your aggressions, assaults and indecency were absent in the testimony, both by affidavit or by any acknowledgment or statement of remorse on your part. And to think that you dodged those issues in part by alluding to a child born of your affair with a mistress while married! Chutzpah on steroids.

Frankly, I’m quite tired of you mortals sliding by through false and convenient piety. The whole Catholic confession thing was not my idea, but a rather transparent “get out of jail free” exercise. It is particularly galling that in the gradual contortions of Christianity, only priests can gain absolution, which is rather like an unconditional pardon. I trust that you recognize the injustice in a system of belief that offers such relief only to the men who have committed the most venal of sins – molesting innocent children.

I did find the tribute to your wife quite touching. I hope you meant it, but for her sake I also hope for an airtight prenuptial agreement.

“Thank you to my incredible wife Jennifer, who has changed my life and been with me throughout this entire process. I love you sweetheart, and I thank God for you. And as Jenny and I pray together each morning, all glory—regardless of the outcome—belongs to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. His grace and mercy abound each day. May His will be done.”

Being somewhat of a deist myself, the “outcome” to which you refer is not in my hands. But if My will were to be done, a misogynist, dishonest, serial womanizing, uncontrollable alcoholic would never be in close proximity to nuclear weapons.

Love,

Jesus