French’s Five

It’s the new year, and like every red-blooded American, I’ve got a list of resolutions to keep. But I won’t bore you with those. Instead, here’s a list of five resolutions I’ve made for some other people:

George Bush
Take some time off to focus on the “me” for a while.

Timothy Geithner
Figure out where the hell my IRA disappeared off to, and find a way to make it big again.

Microsoft
Make something, anything at all, that doesn’t suck. And then, maybe Steve Jobs will stop looking so darn cool at every new iLaunch.

Lindsay Lohan
Two words: Celebrity Intervention. A bunch more words: Why is it that so many wealthy celebrities haven’t heard of a car service?

Tyra Banks
Finally come to terms with the fact that the only people who care anything at all about what she has to say are the same people who think Oprah’s too “cerebral.”