Part-Time Superhero

Even the Hulk has abs. “Shoveling is a full-body workout,” James says. “It helps with the lower back and the shoulders.” The Surgeon General’s Report on Physical Activity and Health said that shoveling for 15 minutes counts as “moderate exercise.” And a study by North Dakota State University said it was “vigorous.” It certainly is vigorous when this vigorous stud does it.

Get on with it.

So me and James—who is 23, and whose real last name is Clark, and who lives in Louisville—went out to Boulder’s Hill neighborhood, and attacked six inches of snow. We saved sidewalks, rescued driveways, redeemed steps.

You got in the way, didn’t you?

I maybe skylarked more than I should have. It was just straight-up shoveling, and I wanted to rustle up evildoers, tone the glutes, hold back breaking dams, get cardio and save damsels in distress.

Damsels are in short supply these days.

You’d think! But, lo and behold, on the horizon of 8th and Cascade, a real damsel in distress! For nine months, Jessica Croll’s back injury has left her unable to shovel her sidewalk. And the city is threatening to fine her $100—a dastardly deed! So James swoops in with a lightning flash, and shovels off the walk and steps thus saving the day!

Saving her a fine, maybe.

Shut up! Croll, nearly fainting with gratitude, offers her hero $14. But James booms, “We’re not taking your money! I feel best about myself when I can give someone a hand and then disappear as fast as I came.” She says, “Thank you so much!” And he says, “All in a day’s work,” and, with awe, she looks up to him.

He’s 6-foot-9. Everyone looks up to him.

Oh, did I mention: shut up?

So what’s up with this dude?

He is a pillar of the community, a bulwark of decency and uprightness in a world gone mad.

Yeah, but, what’s up with him? Does he have a backstory? Did he get bit by a radioactive bug?

He does have a backstory. James served in the First Infantry Division in Afghanistan, toting an M4 and firefighting the Mujahideen. He was regularly pinned down by bullets, RPGs and large-caliber machine guns. “You don’t get to experience death like that very often,” he says of the crucible that turned him into a crusader. “Out here in civilization, they don’t think of death as something that could touch them. A dump truck could come through and crush us. This life is too easy. You’re hungry, you eat at Burger King. You’re cold, you go inside. I appreciate life now.” And he wants to do good.

Holy crap. He really is a superhero.

He is.

And you, jiggly butt? Did you get your precious workout?

Back is sore, butt feels worked.

Did you save anyone?