French’s 5

Trying to figure out where the relationship stands? Here are five signs your Valentine’s a dud:

5. Just Friends
The special bag of personalized little candy hearts she got you all say the same thing on them: “Pal.”

4. So Personal
Your Valentine’s Day card was addressed to “Resident,” and it’s from, “your friendly neighborhood State Farm Agent.”

3. Dropping Hints
Your Valentine got you a gift certificate to Bally’s, a free consultation with Hair Club for Men, and a year’s supply of Tic Tacs, “extra minty fresh.”

2. Real Classy
For Valentine’s Day, he shaved your name into his back hair and showed it to you, and 100,000 other people, on the Jumbotron at the Nascar qualifiers.

1. Not Mom’s Fave
Her name is Tila Tequila.