March 2016: Duly Noted

THE DATE IS JUNE 7, 2015. THE PLACE IS SOMEWHERE IN WASHINGTON D.C.

HILLARY:
Okay, James. We’re here. Now explain this “amazing idea” you had last night.

BILL:
Now honey, don’t be cross with James.

JAMES:
It’s okay Bill, I deserve it. I let her down.

HILLARY:
Oh stop, James. I can’t be mad at you when you turn on that southern charm. Tell us why we’re—

DONALD BURSTS IN

DONALD:
Hello everybody, I’m sorry I’m late.

BILL:

What the hell are YOU doing here? James? This is your doing?

JAMES:
Yes it is, Bill. I woke up this morning, and this idea was so good. So good. That I knew I needed to get you all in the room at the same time to explain it. I’ve already given a hint to Donald—

DONALD:

I know a lot of good ideas. I have great ideas. I’ve had some of the best ideas, and people I know have had some great ideas, and lemme tell ya, this is a great idea.

JAMES:
Um. Yes. Okay, thanks Donald. So here’s the idea: We all know there’s been a rough stalemate between the White House and the Hill since the last cycle. And I think the country’s swing voters blame it more on the right than the left. Now we know Mitt’s not running again, so that means we’re going to be left with Christie, Cruz, Rubio and Jeb.

BILL:
I TOLD you not to say his name in my presence, Jimmy.

JAMES:

Sorry, Bill.  But yes, him too. This is a full-on clown car. Remember the Quayle/Stockdale debates? This will make those look like Lincoln/Douglas. It’s gonna be a full frontal failure of Louisiana proportions. But we can make it worse. We can make it so bad everyone BUT the most insane Tea-baggin’ righties will be voting Hillary come November. The same people who voted for Gee-Dubya and even the same people who voted McCain will be stumping for her.

BILL:

How?

HILLARY:
Oh my gawd. Are you saying—

DONALD:
I TOLD YOU it was a great idea!

JAMES:
That’s what I’m saying. We turn Trump lose on the lot of ‘em, like a New Orleans Water Moccasin on a JUUUUU—LYYYY day!  Just get him all greased up ‘n crazy, and toss ‘him in with the lot of ‘em. They’ll go bananas. BAH-NANAS, I tell ya. Donald and I talked and he’s agreed to not prepare for anything. Just say whatever pops into his head and make it up as he goes. The only rules are—

DONALD:
Make every single thing I say even better than the last!

JAMES:
Have him go after McCain’s war record. Accuse women of being on their period when they’re angry. Make fun of disabled people.  We’ll have him refuse to release his tax returns. And we’ll have him talk about a national registry for Muslims—

HILLARY:
GEEZUS, Jimmy!

JAMES:
I’m just getting’ warmed up! He’ll call Mexicans rapists! Murderers! We’ll have him quote Stalin and Mussolini and talk about how much he admires Putin! We’ll get David Duke and the KKK and to endorse him and then we’ll have him REFUSE to disavow them!

BILL:

This is insane, James. He’ll never make it past Iowa!

JAMES:
Not only will he make it past Iowa — he’ll win the nom. I’m positive. And while he’s doing it, he’ll completely destroy the Republican party.

HILLARY:
And you’re on board for this, Donald?

DONALD:

Hillary, I love good plans. I use plans all the time. I have some of the best plans. I build many great buildings — some of the best buildings — and I used great plans to build them. And I’m telling you, this is a great plan.

BILL:
It’s never gonna work, Jimmy. Not even the nuttiest righties are gonna go for this.

JAMES:

Oh it’ll work. Trust me on this one, Billy. You know me. I don’t know Karate, Billy.

But I know CRAZY. And crazy is gonna love the Donald.

DONALD:

WAIT TILL THEY GET A LOAD-A ME!