Hat Law and Other Rules of a Proper Room

Swing half-saloon doors open with the wind. Sun beams through the late afternoon air. It’s cowboy dust ghosts getting out of the sun to get a Rye. Small dust devils spin as the group moves to the bar. Eyes meet. The bartender smiles.

“Howdy.”

Cowboy hats are placed on the bar. Brim side up. You don’t put the brim on anything. It’s delicate. It’s been steamed-set, formed with supreme care. The crown of the hat holds the weight.

No real cowboys in Colorado, or the West, would ever wear their hats inside. That’s only in the movies. Raised better than that. The only place you can wear a hat indoors is a barn or a stable.

Mrs. Hank Horton came to Wyoming around the turn of the century. No — 1900! And you don’t want to mess with Mrs. Horton, Henrietta. Catching you with your hat on inside.

Hank doesn’t say a word.

She just looks your way. Maybe she doesn’t even catch your eyes. Just looking. You freeze. Granite.

The hat comes off faster than a cat on a hot tin roof.

She’ll whoop you and the crew. And you don’t want that!

Raising a Glass

Drinks are already poured sitting on napkins like individual tablecloths were just set out.

Except for Billie.

Never knows what to order.

Known for an hour we were going to the saloon.

The crew starts humming the Jeopardy Final Question theme song.

Bill orders, FINALLY.

Everyone raises a glass.

Thank the spirits — AND it’s Friday!

The gesture is older than most languages. It sits right at the intersection of ritual, trust and celebration.

Raising a glass was to acknowledge five senses.

Common sense isn’t one of them, nor is it common.

Sight: raising the glass
Sound: the glass clink
Smell: the drink’s aroma
Taste: the sip
Touch: the glass in your hand

People raise a glass to freeze time for a second. A way of saying this is a moment to remember.

Alcohol has always been tied into ceremony. Older than some languages. Sign language.

It’s a way people have come to understand the gesture.

And there are even many, many other versions. Communal shots. Shotskis. Solo shots. A cocktail. A glass of Scotch.

Bartender stands up again. Snorts and whews pass, a few coughs, heads shook.

Another round please, Jack.

Jack is scanning the back bar. Everyone is looking at each other.

George is scanning the room. Always looking for a gal.

Found it!

The bottle is pulled down.

It has more dust on it than what just walked in the saloon.

Health Inspectors, HA

Ah, The Bottle.

How long has that thing been up there?

How did a Health Inspector not see that filth?

Must be one of those classroom Health Inspectors. The same ones that tell you soap doesn’t kill germs. It just helps the germs slide off.

Ugh.

Every human needs to learn this as a child.

Food is absolute.

Without it, you don’t have much time left on this crazy planet.

Actually, it’s pretty safe to say you’re never going to leave it.

Not going to go into the spiritual thing!

And, unless you can buy a rocket ship ride off the planet, you’re not leaving.

You’re definitely not leaving the universe.

FAT TOM is the acronym.

Food: meat, dairy, cooked grains, sauces, anything moist and nutrient rich (soil!!)
Acid: vinegar, citrus, pickles (pH above 4.6 germs don’t grow well)
Time: 2 hours MAX, 1 hour if temp above 90°F+
Temperature: 41° ? 135° DANGER ZONE. Bacteria explodes here
Oxygen: some bacteria need air, some don’t
Moisture: Water activity is critical. Dry foods = safer. Wet foods are risky.

So very dusty means a very annoyed AI.

Where’s that other round?

Is This Where We’re Heading?

POS + CRM, CMR++ bars?

Man I hope not.

Do you even have a clue what language I’m speaking?

Let’s just say we are speaking English, but you probably will need a phone with one of those translation apps in it.

Turn it on now!

POS is pretty easy because you probably know what a Point Of Sale system is.

Ring in orders
Process payments
Track sales
Manage inventory
Generate reports

Nearly everywhere has this system.

If you use a credit card, you know Big Brother already has you like a prison.

A bar, not so much.

Bar patrons and owners do not want the government or other businesses to know anything.

Don’t want them to know what your name is, where you live, what your credit rating is.

And they know a whole lot more than this.

Probably have your fingerprint.

You are so busted.

This is still why CASH is king.

Not traceable, yet.

We’re going to now provide you with the best possible service ever.

CRM to CRM++.

Customer Relationship Management.

The computer knows everything.

The real color of your eyes. Your hair. Probably grey after reading this.

Your car.

Bed sheets color. Mine are black light purple, satin.

Tell us when we know too much.

When you walk in the door of a bar, cameras are everywhere.

I know it’s to stop crime.

But…

Now your picture is taken immediately.

If you’ve been there before, you can be known.

Facial recognition is great, bad — you chose.

A bartender can be told what you drink. How many you usually drink.

What color your sheets are that you just bought from Amazerion.

What the real color of your hair, eyes, car is.

How much you make at work.

How many bras your girlfriend has.

When she’s due for a pregnancy to getting her period.

Now they will tell you there are privacy laws.

But it’s too late.

A bar may tell you they need to know when she gets her period so they can make sure the machine in the bathroom is full in the name of better service.

Just keep the damn machine full.

Cash out.