The 420 Games are just the start

At the 420 Games at Boulder Reservoir in early October, everybody gets a medal, no matter how fast they run or how many trees they smoke.

At the 420 Games at the Boulder Reservoir this month, amazing athletes ran around the water to show that cannabis does not make you lazy, cannabis makes working out more enjoyable and more endurable. “I can just float and sink into the moment,” record-setting ultra-marathoner Avery Collins told us. “CBD is like Advil,” amateur athlete Troix Whitehead told us.

The 420 Games were awesome and enlightening. Our only two complaints are that, 1) we have a new job where we get drug tested, so we can’t smoke anymore, and, 2) that there was only one event — the run. If the organizers had wanted the competition to truly reflect the reality of cannabis, more events might’ve included …

• The What Were We Just Talking About Gymnastics: contestants are asked to follow a twisting conversation about Keynesian economics or Canadian politics and then recall what the main topic was.
• The Timed Timer Time Trials: a judge counts one to three minutes on a stopwatch; contestants guess how much time actually passed. Gold medal to anyone who guesses less than two hours.
• The Room-Entering Sprint: dash into a room in your house and then try to remember why you went in there.

Wouldn’t those be fun? Also, the 420 Games got us thinking about what other kinds of games would look like, with other legal mood-changers. Like …

The 5 O’clock Somewhere Games (Alcohol).

• The Talk to Your Boss After Six Drinks at the Christmas Party Tightrope
• The Two Mile Walk of Shame; outfit must include last night’s cocktail dress / smeared makeup / Halloween costume.
• The Automotive Portion: drive fast to beat the liquor store’s midnight closing.

• 10 Meter Walk in a Straight Line and Touch Your Nose and Go to Jail — immediately follows the automotive portion. (Actually, let’s cancel the automotive portion.)
• Relay of Telling Everyone Your Opinions Without Them Asking, Then Repeating Those Opinions, and Repeating Those Opinions Louder, and Repeating THOSE OPINIONS ONLY LOUDER EACH TIME!

The 8 a.m. Games (Coffee)

• 10 Meter Stumble out of Bed
• Weightlift Coffee Mug to Your Lips
• Then GetReadyHaveBreakfastDrivetoWorkFinishYourTaxesStartaCharityEmailYourSisterYouHaven’tTalkedToInYearsCompleteFourProjectsAndCollapseFourHoursLater

The 24 Hours Before Your Algebra Final Exam Games (Adderall)

• Synchronized Sitting Down to Really Seriously Study! Yay!
• Freestyle Fridge Checking (just this once!)
• Marathon Fridge Cleaning (it needs it!)
• Four hours of Tinder
• Olympic Forgetting to Actually Study

The All-Day Drool Games (Xanax)

• 200 Meter Attempt to Stay Awake
• Take Forty More Pills
• Root Through a Friend’s Sock Drawer, Looking for Stuff to Steal
• That’s It

The complete future of legal mind-altering substances has yet to be written, but, good or bad, it will include games and competitions that highlight the fact that, whatever the substance, there are things you shouldn’t do on them, and that, as the 420 Games says in one of its slogans: “Everything in moderation — except sweat.” USA! USA! US … what were chanting about again?