Who among us isn’t a little wistful as the year ends and a new one begins? Really, all it means is another revolution around the sun, but we have some need to extol the virtues of closure and seek out optimism in the form of a collection of pledges we make to ourselves…which normally end in failure…which then lead to binge drinking, excessive eating and watching reality TV. The truth none of us want to admit: There’s a Real Housewives Of…in all of us.
So, as we wrap up 2011 and look forward to the last year of our existence, I figured listing a slew of resolutions would be even more pointless than usual. Instead, I only have one: to survive.
That’s it. And I’m going to do it. This is one resolution I won’t toy with for a few weeks and then leave languishing on the floor of a 7-11 as I walk out with a bag of Funyuns and a Dr. Pepper under my arm. Nope. This time, it’s for keeps.
So, you can either bow to the whims of the fatalist Mayans and wait for the end, or you can stand up and refuse to go gently into the night. I’m going rage against the dying of the light like a room full of honey badgers on an epinephrine bender. And here’s what I’m going to need to do it:
First thing’s first, in post-apocalyptic Earth: Protect yourself from the hordes of the dying. For that, I’m heading to Grandpa’s Pawn and Gun, 312 Main St., in Longmont, where they have an enormous arsenal of new and used weaponry and ammo. grandpaspawn.com
Obviously infrastructure’s going to crumble and that means basic necessities such as power, running water, etc. will cease. So, we’re gonna need to load up on everything from tents and tarps to matches and rope. So I’m heading to Jax Outdoor Gear, a locally owned company (just because the world’s ending doesn’t mean I can’t shop local) that has pretty much everything I’m gonna need, 900 Hwy. 287, Lafayette, jaxmercantile.com
If zombie movies have taught us anything, it’s that the end of the world will result in a mass gridlock of dead cars on the highways. Which means, if we want to get around, we’ll need off-roading vehicles, and for that, Rocky Mountain Kawasaki, 645 Frontage Rd., Longmont, fits the bill just fine. I mean, a side-by-side will make getting around in post-apocalyptic Earth possible and fun! rockymountainkawasaki.com/
Sure, electricity won’t be an option for very long, but there is no shortage of battery- and solar-powered options available for pretty much anything I’m going to need. Remember how awesome Radio Shack used to be? You could pretty much buy and assemble a robot henchman purely from stuff you bought there. Now, however, Radio Shack is where you go to buy remote control cars and sign up for cellular phone service. No worries, though, because there’s SparkFun Electronics. It’s like the way Radio Shack used to be, but times a thousand. Screw the generator. I’m gonna build a particle accelerator with their stuff! 6175 Longbow Dr., Ste. 200 Boulder, sparkfun.com
Alright Mayans. I’m prepared now. Give me your best shot.