Duly Noted: Ask A President

Ask a president.

This month, we welcome our new guest columnist for a recurring feature, Ask A President. Here, we’ll print letters from actual readers who want actual answers from an actual President*.

Dear President,

I’m curious about how the Affordable Care Act replacement plan is going. My wife and I are independent contractors for Lyft and Uber and the ACA is our current plan.

Regards,
Driving in Denver

Dear Driving,

I won the Electoral votes by more votes than anyone ever. Bigly. It was tremendous win, really, people are still telling me how great it was every time. This dishonest media doesn’t want you to know what really happened. They’ll say it wasn’t a win. They won’t tell you about the millions of illegal votes by illegals. The dishonest media doesn’t want you to know about all my winnings. I win most of all. I’m the winningest president you’ve ever seen.

Winningly,
The President

Dear President,

I’ve never met any Muslims, but I’m concerned about them coming here and attacking us. How long until the wall is built? And is there a plan for a wall between us and Canada? Or can Muslims not come from the North because of Mecca or something?

Sincerely,
Afraid in Ft. Collins

Dear Afraid,

I’m not even joking. They said there was no path to 270. Then I had 280, 290, and 306! No one’s ever had that many votes ever. It was a tremendous win, really. It was bigly. And there’s a lot. People who want to see safer cities. There’s two Chicagos. One that’s nice and one — it’s the worst place in the world. We need law and order. And I’m going to have it. I’ll have the best law and order.

Bigly,
The President

Dear President,

The Anti Defamation League is reporting a spike in anti-Semitism that hasn’t been seen since the Holocaust —

HEY JEW,

I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO LET YOU FINISH YOUR LETTER, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. I’m the least anti-Semitic person in history. Your rabbi is more anti-Semite than me. I have Jewish people in my family. I’m also not racist. I’m the least racist person who ever lived. Ben Carson is actually sitting next to me right now. So shut your mouth.

I won by like, 7,000 electoral votes,
The President

*We’re not specifying which actual President we’re talking about, but we’re hopeful you can guess.

Have any questions for the president? Send them to [email protected] with “Ask The President” in the subject line, and we’ll make sure the President gets to it at some point unless he decides it’s fake news or something in which case he might completely ignore it or call you pathetic or something.