[Kudos]
Tell Us Something We Don’t Know
We didn’t need Forbes Magazine to tell us something that pretty much every Boulderite will freely admit—Boulder is the smartest town in the country. Where else can you get your espresso served to you by an MBA or your meals brought to you by a Ph.D.? Not too mention, it’s hard to walk very far without bumping into a professor or well-employed technology professional. Forbes based its findings on the proportion of people older than 25 with bachelor’s, master’s, professional and doctoral degrees. Fort Collins came in at No. 10. Ann Arbor, Mich., Washington, D.C., San Jose, Calif., and San Francisco rounded the list’s top 5. If you think ignorance is sexy, Lake Havasu, Ariz., where you can find many CU students during spring break, is the country’s least educated city. We’re hoping the CU students have nothing to do with that ranking.

[Gambling]
Welcher Gone Wild
We’re wondering if Sean S. Ahn’s mother ever taught him a lesson about gambling more than he could afford. Betting not. The Superior poker player is under the gun for allegedly skipping out on his bets, according to a lawsuit filed in Boulder. Ahn reportedly lost $29,000 during a friendly night of cards with some chums (what friends don’t bet thousands of dollars on poker night?). When it came time to pay, Ahn claimed to be short of cash and offered to settle the debt by with a few checks. The checks bounced, according to a lawsuit filed by the card game’s host. Following the rules of Omerta, Ahn has refused comment. No word as to whether he’s joined the witness protection program, cancelled his phone or sleeps with the fishes.

[Poor taste]
This Will Haunt
If karma is real, then someone is gong to be reincarnated as a cow dung for decapitating a 1,000-pound-Buddah statue. Originally from Bali and valued at $4,000, the statue stood outside the Indochine store in Boulder. The store’s owner, Hugo Brooks, said the suspect, or suspects, wanted to take the entire figure, but could only get away with the head. “It was really heartbreaking,” Brooks, who has operated the shop for 13 years, told the local newspaper. “It’s a symbol of unity and peace and generosity. What this person did is equivalent to taking the head off a statue of Jesus. Not only is it bad karma, but  it’s also a perverted idea to steal it. It’s like stealing a cross from a church.”

[Election]
Delusional Politician
Marilyn Musgrave is a sore loser. She’s many other things, too, but we’ll hold off on other rants for now. The soon-to-be former congresswoman representing a large swath of northern and eastern Colorado never made the obligatory congratulatory call to Democrat Betsy Markey who ousted her in a heated race for the Fourth Congressional District. She’s remained mum on almost all aspects of the loss, except for a recorded robo-call to help boost Georgia Sen. Saxby Chabliss in a runoff election last month. In the message, she blamed her lost on “leftist special interests” that “smothered the truth with vicious attacks and lies.” Yeah, that and a horrible congressional track record and a history of leaning so far right, she made George W. look like a liberal. Thankfully, the voters in this increasingly moderate district finally grew tired of Musgrave, who had already been named to Rolling Stone’s list of 10 worst congressional leaders in 2006.

December 2008

The Grinch is at it again, only this time the green-skinned fiend is not after Christmas, he’s after pumpkins. How else to explain the recent disappearance of a 150-pound great pumpkin that was snatched from a Longmont home just weeks before Halloween? Authorities suspect the Grinch may have had help. “I don’t see how they could have even gotten it,” pumpkinless Joe Anzures said, referring to the massive gord taken from his home on Third Avenue. “There was no way it could have been done with less than two people.” The theft has upset the kids, who saw the massive gourd take root from a seed last May “Only a Grinch would steal a kid’s Halloween pumpkin,” mom Stephanie Anzures says. The Anzures had high hopes for the pumpkin. They planned to enter the beast in the Flower Bins’s annual Big Pumpkin contest. Now, those dreams are gone forever. The pumpkin is described as orange with white stripes and slightly lopsided. (Perhaps the same thieves stole Yellow Scene’s pumpkin, a fifty-pound beast that went missing from our stoop. —ed)

[Fight night]
Dog Bites Man, and Makes News!
A Boulder man and a friend’s pit bull apparently tried to reenact the classic 1997 heavyweight bout between Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson with the pit bull, playing the role of Tyson, biting off the friend’s ear. The carnivorous battle went down near the Boulder Creek path. That’s where Edward Valdez, the Evander Holyfield wannabe, was playing somewhat aggressively with Fraya, a pal’s 4-year-old pit bull. Witnesses said Valdez head-butted the dog. Boxing fans will recall that Holyfield also delivered several head-butts to Tyson before Iron Mike turned into a raging animal and chewed off part of Holyfield’s ear. Tyson was disqualified for cannibalism. In addition to the alleged head-butt, Valdez reportedly pulled on the pit bull’s ears during the mock brawl. That’s when Fraya tapped into her inner Tyson. Valdez denied getting rough with the dog. Boulder authorities said the ear was recovered. “The victim said he was sitting by the dog, and when he sat up, the dog bit him,” a police spokesperson said.

[bilking]
Blind Injustice
A 67-year-old Nederland woman faces criminal charges and a lifetime of shame for allegedly bilking cash from a 90-year-old blind man. Authorities claim the suspect, Bonnie Gayle Sundance, is accused of stealing from her boss by giving herself $8,000 in unauthorized raises. The victim’s daughter told cops that Sundance took advantage of a blind person. “Because of his blindness, he must rely on the honesty of the person who prepared the document because he cannot read what he is signing,” the woman told investigators. Sundance says she has been wrongly accused. “I am innocent,” she told the press. We’re too cynical to buy into that.

October 2008

by Nickey Hernandez

[Farming]
The Wrath of Cow
It should have been a milkbath, but instead, one gutsy pet cow held her own and lived to boast about chasing off a big, bad, wild black bear. The interspecies cockfight went down in Hygiene when Jack McDonald saw his pet cow, Apple, going “face-to-face” and “nose-to-nose” with a bear. The two adversaries made nice for a few seconds before Apple tapped into her bovine brain and turned tough. Before you could say “milking time,” Apple went from friendly pet to Mike Tyson on hooves. “Apple is protective of her apple tree,” McDonald said. “I don’t think she wanted that bear eating any more of her apples.” No word on whether the bear was ridiculed by his peers.

[Impersonation]
Hard Up For Porn
A Longmont sword and blade maker reportedly fashioned a fake badge and played the role of a cop to obtain X-rated DVDs from an adult novelty store. Instead of getting off (no pun intended, scout’s honor), the suspect, Drew Libby, received a trip to the pokey. Longmont cops arrested Libby outside his home on charges of impersonating an officer, possession of an illegal weapon and possession of pot. A search of Libby’s pad turned up a steel badge emblazoned with the words “private security.” “Turns out badges like it can be bought on the Internet. Authorities contend Libby flashed the fake badge and claimed to be a Longmont police officer when he entered an adult store in search of porn. The fake cop told a clerk that he needed an X-rated DVD to verify the age of the porn stars in the production. Surveillance videos from the store were distributed. Tips quickly led to Libby’s arrest.

[Oprah]
Impressive High Road
We may never hear the end of the JonBenet Ramsey saga—you know, the story of the six-year-old beauty queen’s murder a decade ago that has thrown us through more twists than a world-class roller coaster. At least papa Ramsey has forgiven us (us, meaning the rabid media) for assuming that he (or wife Patsy) were the ones who did it. John Ramsey appeared on Oprah last month—his first national TV appearance since prosecutors exonerated his family over the summer—telling the world that it’s water under the bridge. That’s certainly taking the high road, since a majority of us convicted him in the prestigious court of public opinion years ago. “You can’t hold anger,” he said on the show. Ramsey did have some harsh words for the tabloids, however. “It was a rush to judgment, almost a cyberspace lynching,” Ramsey said, taking particular offense to the media labeling his daughter a beauty queen because she won a child beauty pageant. We still think it’s pretty creepy to flaunt a six-year-old on stage. Hasn’t Little Miss Sunshine taught us anything?.

[Education]
Boulder Teens Are Easy
No word yet if Bristol Palin, the unwed and knocked up teen daughter to GOP veep candidate Sarah plans a move to Boulder. But if the 17-year-old soon-to-be mom does, she’ll be in good company. Seems a growing number of Boulder Valley School District kids say they know a thing or two about sex, drugs and booze. A recent survey indicated that 16.7 percent of Boulder Valley freshman have binged on booze. About 18 percent had engaged in sex, an increase of 50 percent since 2005. “Whether we’re talking about sexual intercourse or substance use, one thing is clear, the earlier youths engage in the behavior, the better the chance they have of experiencing long-term negative impacts in their lives,” one school official said in an area news source. Of course that rule does not apply to the offspring of gun-toting, moose-killing hockey moms.

October 2008

For the last few years, University of Colorado officials have been extremely happy with the Princeton Review, because the annual list didn’t include the Buffs among the top party schools in the nation. After years of being associated with beer kegs and bongs, there were no complaints from administrators when CU dropped off the Review’s party radar a few years back. (more…)

August 2008

It’s a safe bet that when the school bells ring this month, every student in Tony Tolbert’s class will show up on time, sit down and behave. What else is there to do, when your high school science teacher is a hulk like superman, who can handle the freakish beasts of American Gladiators and still have time to dissect a frog? Who cares that Tolbert was a cheerleader in his younger days? Now the dude is cut and able to smash heads alongside of Hulk Hogan. Tolbert more than held his own during a June airing of the reality game show. He came from behind to beat out a so-called “football player” in the competition. “Outstanding!” Tolbert exclaimed to Hulk Hogan after the teacher vanquished his rival. The 37-year-old father of three crushed more than 1,000 Boulder-area challengers who sought a shot at making the show in February. Tolbert wowed the show’s producers with his physical skills, and then told them he was special, because “I’m Tony Tolbert.” Tolbert won his opening round but was eliminated shortly after. We are guessing his students will still be in awe.

August 2008